111 of the Funniest Quotes About Writing

I scoured the internet to find you the funniest quotes about writing out there. Take a break from writing and have a laugh with these hilarious writing quotes.

"I think all writing is a disease. You can’t stop it.”

— William Carlos Williams Tweet

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”

“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”

“Stories may well be lies, but they are good lies that say true things, and which can sometimes pay the rent.”

“The first draft of anything is shit.”

“A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.”

“There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts.”

“Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it's always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.”

“Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for money.”

“Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.”

“People love a happy ending. So every episode, I will explain once again that I don't like people. And then Mal will shoot someone. Someone we like. And their puppy.”

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout with some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”

“A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity."

“When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.”

“A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it is to be God.”

"Writing books is the closest men ever come to childbearing."

"It is perfectly okay to write garbage—as long as you edit brilliantly."

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous."

"Science fiction writers, I am sorry to say, really do not know anything. We can't talk about science, because our knowledge of it is limited and unofficial, and usually our fiction is dreadful."

"The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn’t require any."

"Almost anyone can be an author; the business is to collect money and fame from this state of being."

"There’s no such thing as writer’s block. That was invented by people in California who couldn’t write."

"Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it."

“Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the Internet.”

“It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense.”

“I just sit at my typewriter and curse a bit.”

“Inspiration is a guest that does not willingly visit the lazy.”

“You know how it is in the kid's book world; it's just bunny eat bunny.”

“A best seller was a book which somehow sold well simply because it was selling well.”

“There is probably no hell for authors in the next world -- they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this.”

“Either a writer doesn't want to talk about his work, or he talks about it more than you want.”

“I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.”

“Coleridge was a drug addict. Poe was an alcoholic. Marlowe was killed by a man whom he was treacherously trying to stab. Pope took money to keep a woman's name out of a satire then wrote a piece so that she could still be recognized anyhow. Chatterton killed himself. Byron was accused of incest. Do you still want to a writer--and if so, why?”

“There are three difficulties in authorship: to write anything worth publishing -- to find honest men to publish it -- and to get sensible men to read it.”

“Most writers can write books faster than publishers can write checks.”

“Never throw up on an editor.”

“There is no mistaking the dismay on the face of a writer who has just heard that his brain child is a deformed idiot.”

“I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.”

“Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.”

“People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad.”

“Nothing, not love, not greed, not passion or hatred, is stronger than a writer's need to change another writer's copy.”

“Bad things don’t happen to writers; it’s all material.”

“First you’re an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity.”

“Most editors are failed writers – but so are most writers.”

“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”

“This morning I took out a comma and this afternoon I put it back again.”

“Hobbes: Do you have an idea for your story yet? Calvin: No, I’m waiting for inspiration. You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. Hobbes: What mood is that? Calvin: Last-minute panic.”

“There is no idea so stupid or hackneyed that a sufficiently-talented writer can't get a good story out of it.”

“There is no idea so brilliant or original that a sufficiently-untalented writer can't screw it up.”

“Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.”

“When writing a novel, that’s pretty much entirely what life turns into: 'House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day.'”

“Sir, nobody but a blockhead ever wrote except for money.”

“Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.”

“Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.”

“I get up in the morning, torture a typewriter until it screams, then stop.”

— Clarence Budington Kelland Tweet

“Confronted by an absolutely infuriating review it is sometimes helpful for the victim to do a little personal research on the critic. Is there any truth to the rumor that he had no formal education beyond the age of eleven? In any event, is he able to construct a simple English sentence? Do his participles dangle? When moved to lyricism does he write "I had a fun time"? Was he ever arrested for burglary? I don't know that you will prove anything this way, but it is perfectly harmless and quite soothing.”

“I try to create sympathy for my characters, then turn the monsters loose.”

“Use your imagination. Trust me, your lives are not interesting. Don't write them down.”

“Poets are interested mostly in death and commas.”

“Fiction is about stuff that's screwed up.”

“We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason why they write so little.”

“Writing is a fairly lonely business unless you invite people in to watch you do it, which is often distracting and then have to ask them to leave.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.”

“Nature fits all her children with something to do, He who would write and can't write, can surely review.”

“Tell the readers a story! Because without a story, you are merely using words to prove you can string them together in logical sentences.”

“A critic knows more than the author he criticizes, or just as much, or at least somewhat less.”

“There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, no one can agree what they are.”

“A person who publishes a book willfully appears before the populace with his pants down...If it is a good book nothing can hurt him. If it is a bad book, nothing can help him.”

— Edna St. Vincent Millay Tweet

“I'm the kind of writer that people think other people are reading.”

“Fantasy doesn't have to be fantastic. American writers in particular find this much harder to grasp. You need to have your feet on the ground as much as your head in the clouds. The cute dragon that sits on your shoulder also craps all down your back, but this makes it more interesting because it gives it an added dimension.”

“Writers are schizophrenic. On the one hand we tell ourselves, "This is a work of genius! I've created Art!" Then we try to peddle it, like a widget, to The New Yorker, Playboy, or SF Age.”

“Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to those who have none.”

“Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.”

“Every writer is a narcissist. This does not mean that he is vain; it only means that he is hopelessly self-absorbed.”

“No fathers or mothers think their own children ugly; and this self-deceit is yet stronger with respect to the offspring of the mind.”

— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra Tweet

“Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been erected to a critic.”

“Writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness.”

“People are certainly impressed by the aura of creative power which a writer may wear, but can easily demolish it with a few well-chosen questions. Bob Shaw has observed that the deadliest questions usually come as a pair: "Have you published anything?" (loosely translated as: I've never heard of you) and "What name do you write under?" (loosely translatable as: I've definitely never heard of you).”

“PI suspect that one of the reasons we create fiction is to make sex exciting.”

“I have long felt that any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has just put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae or banana split.”

“The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.”

“The books we think we ought to read are poky, dull, and dry The books that we would like to read we are ashamed to buy The books that people talk about we never can recall And the books that people give us, oh, they're the worst of all.”

“If the sex scene doesn't make you want to do it - whatever it is they're doing - it hasn't been written right.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.”

“I hope someday to write something worth plagiarizing.”

“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.”

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.”

“Writer’s Block: When you imaginary friends stop talking to you.”

“There are two kinds of people who sit around all day thinking about killing people… mystery writers and serial killers. I’m the kind that pays better.”

“Write drunk. Edit Sober.”

“I write to escape… to escape poverty.”

“Writing is a lonely job, unless you’re a drinker, in which case you always have a friend within reach.”

“I wrote a few children's books. Not on purpose.”

“I get a lot of letters from people. They say: "I want to be a writer. What should I do?" I tell them to stop writing to me and get on with it.”

“If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers.”

“If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.”

“The world is a hellish place, and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering.”

“The only time I'll get good reviews is if I kill myself.”

“It's splendid to be a great writer, to put men into the frying pan of your imagination and make them pop like chestnuts.”

“Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.”

“There's not much to be said about the period except that most writers don't reach it soon enough.”

“Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.' ”

“When Thoreau wrote: "Simplify, simplify, simplify!" shouldn't he have edited it down to "Simplify!"?”

“I am a writer. If I seem cold, it 's because I am surrounded by drafts.”

“The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time… unlike, say, a brain surgeon.”

“Being an author is being in charge of your own personal insane asylum.”

What do you think?
Did I miss one?
Share which one is your favorite in the comments below!

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